Could Have Been Me

There is a song that is accompanying a plethora of reels on IG that I find motivational. The song is "Could Have Been Me" by The Struts. Most content producers are using this song to accompany reels that show them accomplishing things that they have dreamed of accomplishing, or at least, working toward making those dreams come true. And, I see why. The song moves forward powerfully, optimistically yet defiantly, and the lyrics are motivational. 

"Don't wanna live as an untold story. Rather go out in a blaze of glory. I can't hear you, I don't fear you. ... Wrapped in your regret, what a waste of blood and sweat. I wanna taste love and pain, wanna feel pride and shame. I don't wanna take my time, don't wanna waste one line. I wanna live better days, never look back and say, "Could have been me. It could have been me." ... Don't wanna live as an unsung melody. I'd rather listen to the silence telling me, "I can't hear you. I won't fear you."

It speaks of that desire to live the story we are yearning to live, dreaming of living, and not letting strictures bind us, limit us. It references the fear that we face when doing something beyond those limitations but defiantly shouts it down. I have almost done many things and at this stage in my life as I look back on those things I think, "It could have been me." There are things I still aspire to. I have dreams. Recognizing my tendency to take actions towards goals but not always seal the deal, I want to set myself up to REALLY succeed, to accomplish those dreams. I want my story to be told in it's full glory.

So, what do I imagine my story should entail? What it would mean for me to 'go out in a blaze of glory.'? I have images that flit through my mind as that song plays, moving like a reel on IG, that represent my 'blaze of glory'. Those images are representative of the following glorious things:

*Defeat the 'hoard.' 

I want to strip back all the layers of belongings leaving only those which contribute the most to my life. I want to get in right relationship with my material possessions and make space for the people and things that mean the most to me. I desire to simplify and, by that, I mean not be bound to these possessions. I want to make them serve me, not me enslaved to them. I want to be free.

*Be debt free. 

I want to eliminate my debt; ideally, this would include my mortgage but I'll consider it 'glory' if all other debt is conquered. Again, I want to be free; not bound to others. I want to stop limiting my options because I have committed myself to others through these obligations. Yes, I want to be free.

*Take my EPIC American road trip.

I want to see things, do things, experience things, and learn things. I want to meet new people and idea; I want to be challenged. This, again, symbolizes freedom to me, in many ways. I can feel the sun on my face and the wind rushing through my hair just thinking about road tripping. Yes, freedom, in many ways.

*Be strong.

I want to reduce the limitations of my body by strengthening it. This will open up possibilities of all that I can do, experience, and learn. It will free me from the bondage of physical pain. It will honor me and my journey and all that my body has done for me during this journey of life. It will honor my Maker who gifted me this vessel that has served me so well.

I want my story to be one of conquering challenges and overcoming obstacles that interfere with that earthly sense of freedom. I want to sing my song, tell my story. I want to fight the good fight moving closer to my vision of freedom and a life well-lived. I want to experience the pain and the shame but not be mired down by it. I want to revel in the experiences of love and the satisfaction of a job well done.

I don't want to be saying "Could have been me" so I will change all these expressed "I want's" into "I will" and then, through consistent focused action, "I have." I will face the pain and shame and fear that is sure to accompany this journey boldly, defiantly. I will live my unique story and sing my distinctive song!

23 Hard Things in 2023

 I am quite pleased with the goals that I established as I was entering this new year. Those goals may be a little rough but are representative of where I am at and where I want to go. Last week, however, I stumbled upon some inspiration for a new expression of goals. I found an Instagram page in which the woman shared her "23 Hard Things in 2023." She began this notion last year as she was struggling to come out of a deep depression. She challenged herself to do the hard things. She began with challenging herself to brush her hair everyday, then made a list of "22 Hard Things in 2022." I was inspired by her story and this format of goal setting was intriguing. I decided to come up with my own list of hard things to tackle this year. Most of the goals dovetail with my previously expressed goals, then I've added a couple of little lifestyle enhancements.

"23 Hard Things in 2023"

1.) Write 12 snail mail letters.

2). Initiate three dates with the hubby.

3). Purge 1200 items.

4). Read 48 books.

5). 12 of the 48 books read need to be books I own.

6). Have one adventure per month.

7). Make and maintain a minimum of six monthly journals.

8). Make a minimum of 36 blog entries.

9). Repair camera.

10). Repair mandolin and learn one song.

11). Dance

12). Learn to tiptoe. (move like a child!)

13). Learn to skip. (move like a child!)

14). Do one cartwheel, although a round off will do. (move like a child!)

15). Remove tree from front yard.

16). Repair front porch stairs.

17). Write letter to Carole's mother.

18). Take vitamins a minimum of 275 days of the year.

19) Floss teeth a minimum of 275 days of the year.

20). Track expenditures a minimum of 275 days of the year.

21) Do not go to Andy's alone.

22). Try 15 new smoothie, salad, or vegetarian recipes.

23). Complete at least 75% of Balancing the Sword, Volume One.

Some of these goals intimidate a bit with the consistency that will be required to succeed. Some of the goals make my chest tighten with anxiety. Other goals make me a little giddy with excitement. It will be a challenging year doing all the hard things!

2023 Goals

Prior to the arrival of the new year, I, as is my custom, reviewed my goals for the ending year; evaluating what I achieved and what I didn't achieve, what worked and what didn't work. Then I focused on where I want to go, what I need to do to get there, and set new goals accordingly. So, I have written my 2023 goals and have committed to reevaluating them routinely to aid me in staying on track. 

Here is what I came up with...

*Money related goals include: earn ESOP at work, pay for Maceo's Visa or move, pay off kohl's credit card, Herb's credit card and my student loan, strictly adhere to my $150 entertainment budget, review subscription services, and 'use it up' in order to save money.

*Decluttering goals include: purge 100 items per month, reclaim attic, set up a guest space that is readily usable, use it up.

*House related goals: repair front stairs, haul large trash, clean yard, and remove curly tree.

*Other: plan at least one 'adventure' per month (i.e. free cycle bar class, a theta float, use gift certificate for massage, go to Arkansas to see WNMU game, hike, camp, kayak - do it!), reclaim moving like a child (i.e. tiptoe, skip, cartwheel, squirm, dance, etc.), journal, floss, take my vitamins, stretch, strengthen, read, investigate.

I further delineated money related goals by establishing spending parameter (allowed/not allowed).

ALLOWED SPENDING:

-all current expenditures are accounted for, although they should be reviewed.

-home and vehicle repairs and maintenance.

-groceries, within the budget; can include supplements, if needed, shop sales; can include toiletries, as needed, shop sales, try to keep it to shampoos and conditioner and, possibly, razors (I believe I have everything else) for myself, can buy any toiletries that Bishop needs, continue using up what I have in storage; can include cleaning supplies, probably only laundry detergent, again shop sales when needed; track HyVee loss leaders; separate my grocery budget and Herb's grocery budget.

-dining out, etc. only as it fits within $150 entertainment budget (or is compensated for in grocery budget).

-travel and adventures within budget or as delineated: (up to $6000) trip to UK to see An Inspector Calls; trip to NM to see Mama, Aunt Linda and Uncle David, and WNMU; trip to IN to see Rex and Stephanie.

-camera repair (up to $300) + case for travel.

-investigative expenses (up to $1000).

-clothing for me as follows: four pairs of leggings, socks, undies, one pair of shoes, $100 extra.

-hip joint membership for Bishop.

-photo printing and glue sticks for journals (need to establish budget), otherwise, use up what I own.

-can renew Ancestry, if using.

-mandolin repair.

NOT ALLOWED:

-no new hobby supplies/ no acquisitional hobbies.

-no art purchases unless using entertainment or travel budgets, MUST fit into budget.

-no secret santa.

I even spent some time pondering some tools and techniques that could be helpful. Here are some of my ideas: clearly state goals, define boundaries, and review frequently; write out budget, review frequently; track income and expenditures daily; actively track and monitor spending within categories (i.e. gas, groceries, entertainment, travel, investigative, house, vehicle, etc.); get B&T Baklava separated out from rest of spending/earnings; check in with no spend/low spend groups for inspiration/motivation; stay out of stores; create a vision board; track hours worked at NSE.

MOTIVATION:

I need a clean slate, an opportunity to revise. It will provide a sense of relief; I need to be able to breathe. NO REGRETS. DO IT. Make myself proud. Make the kiddos proud. Be a good steward.

Lifestyle of Learning 2023 Edition: Volume 1

March 1 - 14

 One of my all-time favorite posts to re-read on this blog are my Lifestyle of Learning posts. I love how they capture so many details of our lives; details that may seem mundane, relatively insignificant, or rather simple but are actually evidence of the rich lives that we are leading, actively seeking new information and experiences, building a web of knowledge that allows us to make more and more connections. These posts are an interesting time capsule. In the past, these posts were also a way to document the kiddos homeschooling journey and document the evolution of my educational philosophy. Nevertheless, I am committed to continuing these posts. In 2021, I did a couple of posts that attempted to document how the members of our family were living and learning. I have found that that approach is unsustainable. We are all adults and our lives are going in so many different directions making it too complicated for me to try to document. I realize now that I was trying to replicate what I had done when the kiddos were younger. I am now in a different season of life, however, and have decided that I can maintain these Lifestyle of Learning posts but they must reflect the season that I am in. These posts will now primarily document MY lifestyle of learning. I will capture the details of MY life and will revel in all that I am learning.

*I have been listening to a host of podcasts. I primarily listen to true crime podcasts which provide me with a lot of psychological and sociological fodder. I also have some very personal interest in methods and tools of investigation, particularly for older cases, and these podcasts provide me with many investigative ideas. Over the last two weeks, I have also listened to some political and geopolitical podcasts and The Exorcist Files, which has provided some theological fodder.

*I continue to make time for reading and, again, have the goal of reading an average of four books per month.

 I read The Littlest Library by Poppy Alexander; a quaint piece of romantic fiction. This book is set in England and I loved that it referenced places and customs that I have learned about while following along, virtually, on Maceo's UK National Tour of An Inspector Calls and other adventures. The main character went to a theatre in Exeter at one point and I couldn't help but think of Exeter Northcutt where Maceo performed "Lonely at Parties." Plymouth was referenced. I had just researched Plymouth because Maceo's tour would be performing there in a weeks time. Within the pages of the book, there was chatter about taking a Devonshire tea, as opposed to a Cornish tea. Maceo had performed in Cornwall and the theatre served the cast and crew a proper Cornish tea, which I, of course, had to research. It delighted me to able to connect with the book in this way.

I read Christianity and Liberalism by J. Gresham Machen. This is a book that I have probably owned for over a decade and had not read. I am pleased to have completed it. For my own personal purposes, I want to document this statement: "Nothing engenders strife so much as a forced unity, within the same organization, of those who disagree fundamentally in aim. But is not advocacy of such separation a flagrant instance of intolerance? The objection is often raised. But it ignores altogether the difference between involuntary and voluntary organizations. Involuntary organizations ought to be tolerant, but voluntary organizations, so far as the fundamental purpose of their existence is concerned, must be intolerant or else cease to exist. The state is an involuntary organization; a man is forced to be a member of it whether he will or no. It is therefore an interference with liberty for the state to prescribe any one type of opinion or any one type of education for its citizens. But within the state, individual citizens who desire to unite for some special purpose should be permitted to do so. Especially in the sphere of religion, such permission of individuals to unite is one of the rights which lie at the very foundation of our civil and religious liberty. The state does not scrutinize the rightness or wrongness of the religious purpose for which such voluntary religious associations are formed - if it did undertake such scrutiny all religious liberty would be gone - but it merely protects the right of individuals to unite for any religious purpose which they may choose." When an organization is founded upon a specific creed, it is important that that creedal character be maintained.  "The fact often seems to be forgotten that the evangelical Churches are purely voluntary organizations; no one is required to enter into their service. If a man cannot accept the belief of such churches, there are other ecclesiastical bodies in which he can find a place." 

I am presently listening to the audiobook version of Green Fraud by Marc Morano. I really need to score a paper copy of this book. There is a LOT of information that I would like to vet.

I am also revisiting "Thinking Like a Christian: Understanding and Living a Biblical Worldview" by Noebels and Edwards. Although I had understood the concept of worldview prior to reading this book, I did not have the language for it. This book stands out in my memory as an important one in my educational journey. It is time to revisit it and see how it holds up or if there is anything new to glean.

*I played games both at work during Employee Appreciation Day celebration and at a brewery celebrating a friends birthday. I played Jenga and Go Fish. Simple games, for sure, yet the anxiety I experienced playing Jenga suggests that I really need to push myself to play more 'different' games. I love games but tend to gravitate to a handful of games, of which Jenga is not one. Everybody else's familiarity and confidence intimidated me just a bit. Silly, huh? I pressed on. I continued to play. I feel far more comfortable now. This is good for me.  Go Fish at the brewery was a blast. I LOVED this game as a child but hadn't played it in forever. There was quite a bit of research involved (none of us could remember how to play it) and it does require focus and memory. And we had a LOT of FUN!

*I attended a special event during First Friday ArtWalk, the Show Your Colors art event. There was an art exhibition that included 2-D and 3-D art, a classical pianist, two poets, a folk artist and a band. Bishop had three pieces of work in the exhibition, pieces I had never seen and they fascinated me. I didn't connect with most of the poetry but I was reminded of the power of words.

*I have been maintaining a daily journaling practice. This is certainly a creative, artistic endeavor as much as it is documenting my daily happenings.

*I ushered at a local community theatre for The Play That Goes Wrong. Although I had heard of this show, I had never seen it until now. It was hysterical. The comedic timing of most of the performers was really quite good and the set was truly amazing.

*I have set a goal for myself that I recapture my ability to move like a child. My first challenge was to be able to tiptoe again. With weaknesses in my knees, ankles and feet, tiptoeing was extraordinarily difficult. I couldn't sustain standing on my toes without assistance and certainly couldn't walk in that position. I have been working on that, doing a variety of exercises to strengthen those weak areas and now I CAN TIPTOE! I can sneak up on people now. Watch out world!

*I attended a lecture at a science museum on intermediary forms (or the lack thereof) as it relates to the theory of evolution and the baramin theory.

*I found a copy of the journal Raw Vision which explores and highlights outsider art from around the world. I LOVE outsider art and this journal introduced me to artists I hadn't heard of previously. So cool!

I have definitely had some cool learning opportunities over the past two weeks, taking in new ideas, pushing myself to do new things, and look forward to learning something new tomorrow... and the day after that... and the day after that!

Hello... Again

This space keeps drawing me back. I have struggled with how it fits in my life. I have struggled with discerning which bits of each part of the previous chapters of my life are still important, relevant, and authentic and, thus, should be incorporated in the current chapter of my life story that I am busily writing. I have spent the last couple of years trying things on for size to see if they still fit. This process has been slow and unsettling in some ways, although exciting in other ways. Some things still fit in some ways but, when held up against other things, just aren't as important or valuable or meaningful or something. So, this space... how does it fit? where does it fit? 

For a period, I was focusing on my Instagram presence, hoping that I could monetize my documentation of my thoughts and experiences related to my journey of editing and curating my life. I started to build a nice little community, one with promise, when I became discouraged by a hacker wiping out my personal account and then going after "A Life Edited and Curated." I became disillusioned. I temporarily deactivated that account and put that endeavor on hold for the last ten months. I have discovered that I enjoyed that community. I enjoyed the accountability and found that documenting my experiences was motivating and documenting my thoughts helped solidify those thoughts, ideas and opinions. I have not, however, missed the business aspect of "A Life Edited and Curated", at least not in any significant way. It had the potential to be a nice side hustle but I am rethinking my need for that side hustle. I have lived without it for ten months and what I missed most was having that space to document and reflect. For years, this blog offered me that space to document and a place to go back to in order to reflect and reminisce. It is a space that feels like a warm embrace whenever I step back into it. It fits well.

For a significant portion of my life, pen and paper journaling has played an important role in the documenting of my life and the processing of my thoughts and ideas. For the past eight months I have been doing daily journaling in single signature simple journals that I have made from scrapbook papers and ephemera. I began making these journals as a way to use up my scrapbook and mixed media supplies that I was having difficulty parting with, despite the fact that I wasn't creating art or scrapbooks. I was buying premade journals. I was buying bits of paper bound within a cover when I had all sorts of bits of paper and could easily bind them within a cover. I have challenged myself to use up my supplies while doing my journaling. I have really enjoyed this process and love the journals that I have created. However, I constantly ponder how they fit into my life once my current scrapbook supply hoard is eliminated. I can envision using them, with very limited supplies, on my epic American road trip but they have to be immediate and streamlined. When I do mental imaging exercises about my trip, I can see myself crafting little journals from ephemera collected during my adventures but I also envision myself using this space for photos and more extensive writing. I can see how this space fits during all the chapters of my life.

So here I am, back in this space. I am so glad that it was waiting for me.